The One Who Knows All

[×|{å†ìe×]

This is just so tedious, Toenail thought as it lounged on a bookstore shelf. This bookstore happened to sale Beanie Babies, so it tried to blend with the other stuffed animals. It wasn’t interested in the other stuffed animals which had the intelligence of… well actually they had no intelligence. Toenail just happened to be gifted with knowledge, the knowledge of everything. Sometimes it enjoyed observing human behaviors. The humans never failed to do as Toenail expected. Very tedious, it agreed with itself.

You’re talking to yourself again? It wondered.

Of course, there isn’t much anyone else to talk to is there? It answered.

No, I guess not.

Toenail wasn’t sure how to reply to itself so it just sat there as a young human poked at its coarse fabric. “Ma, why is this one so ugly?” the little girl asked.

“Just pick one, we’re in a hurry”

“Okay, I’m getting the puppy” she said immediately, not wanting to loose her chance of a new animal for her collection. She handed her mother the gray shaggy dog and stood there still staring at the rack. The mom brought the dog and her book to the counter so she could check out.

Toenail found its chance to have some fun, “Hi”

The girl’s nose scrunched up and her expression turned to one of confusion. “Did you just talk to me?” she whispered not wanting attention drawn to her.

“Yes” it nodded its head so she could see it was really alive.
Her jaw dropped, she closed it and smiled with realization. “This is just a joke” she said and grabbed Toenail to peek underneath, hoping to see someone’s hand controlling the tiny character. All she found was the russet color board under it. She felt a slight pinch to her thumb and let out an “Ouch”. She dropped the creature and it glared at her.

“Don’t pick me up”

“You bit me!” she accused.

“Yes, I did. You picked me up”

“That was no reason to bite me” Her mother came up from behind her.

“It’s time to go” the mom said ushering her out the door. Toenail heard a distance, ‘The toy in there. It bit me!’ from the little girl.

Toenail smiled in satisfaction, now whose life to disrupt?

You’re questioning yourself?

No, I don’t ask questions. I’m Toenail, the one who knows all. It was a rhetorical question you moron.

Don’t call yourself a moron, friend.

Toenail sighed; yes it definitely needed something to do before it went completely insane.

[×|{å†ìe×]

Many evils lurk the world, but none compare to the one who knows all. The knower of all knowledge, the genius of geniuses, the—well, you get the point.

Without being seen, Toenail slid a lollipop out of a child’s hand. It slid, it crashed to the floor, and it broke into glass-like shards. The child burst into tears and the mother tried to shush him. Toenail usually got satisfaction out of a child’s cry, however this time it seemed just too easy, too original, too boring. It wasn’t a busy day so the shopkeeper walked over to the mother and child, “What’s up?” she asked.

The mom answered with nothing while the boy told the woman a heart wrenching story of how a stuffed animal threw his lollipop on the floor. “I’m not surprised, it’s not the first time I’ve heard that story… we’re starting to think this corner is haunted, it only happens right here” she said, her eyes searching over the stuffed animals, I remained still.

“Well,” the mom laughed unsurely, “we’d better get going now.”

She and her child made their way out the door and the cashier shrugged, “How come people always leave when I say that?” she asked herself out loud.

Yes, this is much too boring , Toenail decided. It teleported, it knew where it was headed to because it knew everything.

When it arrived a sharp crack was heard throughout the room. It was a living room, the only living thing inside it was a cat curled up into a ball on a navy blue Lay-Z-boy chair. The couch matched and even the drapes did, in fact the entire room looked like a perfect set. The carpeting was white, which Toenail always thought was ridiculously stupid, as it strolled through the house it found many things it thought were ridiculously stupid. The kitchen matched, the bedrooms all had their matching designs, even the bathrooms. Toenail stepped into the bathroom and cackled all the towels. They had names of family members on them; each had their own special towels. Russell, Josephine, Matt and Guest.

It took the towels and started ripping them into long strips, making sure that the names weren’t ruined in the process. Toenail grabbed thumbtacks from Russell’s desk and started tacking the towel shreds to the ceiling of the living room, kitchen and dining room. Toenail grinned and tied the embroidered pieces around the cat and used duct tape to make sure it stayed. After stealing mustard and ketchup from the fridge it began painting the white carpet with swirls, flowers, stars and random designs.

It found the cat’s litter box downstairs and using the droppings and litter to leave a message on the kitchen floor.

Why is it I don’t have my own towel? Love, Fluff-fluff

Because Fluff-fluff happened to be the name of the cat Toenail had previously tormented with towel shreds and duct tape. It grinned at a job well done and wonder what its next mission would be until it remembered that it knew everything and had no reason for wondering.

[×|{å†ìe×]

The crowd was crowded. The night was dark. The wind was blistery.

Toenail walked through the crowd unseen, lights from cell phones, streetlamps, and car headlights were the only thing lighting the night. The moon was covered by gray clouds. Silence was nowhere to be found, humans chatted on their phones, car alarms went off and some even talked to themselves aloud. Not one of the people passing by looked interesting enough to catch Toenail's attention. However, it didn't need to look, it knew what it was looking for. It was looking for a man at the end of the block.

To Toenail everyone, everything was bigger, it had to look up as it approached the man. "Hello," Toenail greeted him.

He replied with no answer and instead his eyes became wide. This man had never seen a talking stuffed animal before, nor did he ever want to. He grew up hearing stories about this creature and now it was finally there to torture him the rest of his life. The man got on his hands and knees. No, no, he thought.

"Ah yes, it is me. The master of time and space, the knower of all things that need to be known. It is me, Toenail." It's rabbit ears flicked upwards at it's own name, and it smirked. "You may try as hard as you wish to ignore my presence, but it won't be without hardship" It cackled and just then thunder and lightning cracked through the sky and it started to pour.

The white paint on the man's face started to slowly fade and Toenail followed him to an apartment nearby. He set his scarf on a hook along with his black hat. Trying to ignore Toenail was indeed a hard task, for it began talking. Talking of nothing particular but still talking all the same. Yes, it did seem to know everything there was to know about. Of course it was nothing the man wanted to know. He wiped the rest of the white paint off in the shower and threw his black and white clothes in the laundry basket.

"So, how do you like being a mime? Is it as fun as you anticipated?"

No reply.

"Ah yes, the promise of absolute silence. How can you stand it?"

No reply, yet.

"The other humans passing by, talking to loved ones, beeping their horns, humming to themselves. Does it drive you mad?" The mime still stayed silent and read, acting like Toenail wasn't there. "I know what you're wondering. Why is this being of all knowledge asking so much?" The mime's expression didn't change. "I'll tell you why, simply for the fun of it!"

Toenail hopped off the arm of the chair and started searching through the man's pictures. Most were of his family, some of his college days in mime school. There was a family portrait of his wife and son, even one of his mother who was scowling.

"I've always liked your mother, perhaps I should visit her. You're not being the kindest host."

Finally the man glared in it's direction, Toenail felt successful it had finally bothered him.